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Category: Family, Parenting

I Wasted My Vacation, from Sunup to Sundown

When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come,
I go to the sea,
and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds,
cleanses me with its noise,
and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me
that is bewildered and confused.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Every time we go to the beach I have all these grandiose plans.

Imma gonna ride a bike, run in the mornings. I’m going to read at least three of these five books I packed. I’m going to photowalk every day and stock up on images for every situation. I’m going to write for hours every day and pull ahead of my content calendar. I’m going to try some of the recipes in the vintage cookbooks. I’m going to visit all the stores and do all the cool things. I’m going to finally do the elaborate fashion photoshoot I’ve been turning around in my brain for like 3 years. I’m gonna film some videos in that wonderful morning light.

Best laid plans and all that… this is what I actually managed to accomplish over 10 days of vacation.

I saw the sun rise. Just once, the day before we left.

There was a girl doing yoga on the beach when it finally emerged from the horizon, and I struggled with the ethics of taking her picture. My conscience won out and I have no awesome photo of warrior pose silhouetted against the sun.

I collected sea shells. One morning I woke up a little too late to see the sun rise, but it was still early and I was all stiff from driving the day before, so I opted to get some exercise and go for a nice long walk on the beach. It was low tide, and about a quarter of a mile in I happened to see a piece of sea glass, and then a cool triangular rock… and then I spotted a balloon in the water and went chasing after it so sea creatures wouldn’t eat it…

All in all, I went maybe a mile and a half over nearly an hour.

I went to the beach with the kids and frolicked in the waves quite a bit. I’m still afraid of the ocean, if I’m honest, and very much prefer to be out there when it’s low tide. The rest of my family thinks low tide is boring, but I’m not in it for the excitement. I could have stood there being moved by gentle waves forever.

There is no better balm for whatever ails you. The ocean soothes my soul.

I celebrated Maverick’s birthday. Fifteen. Fifteen was my favorite year, the year that I came into my own and sort of embraced who I was, instead of hiding it. I loved my friends when I was fifteen and I still think that we were so funny and creative then, together. I’ve met other incredible people and had other wonderfully memorable experiences; I’ve grown to be pretty damn comfortable in my own skin. But no other year as a whole shines for me like 15 did. I’m looking forward to experiencing 15 again with Mav.

I had my picture taken with Jeff. This is something that happens maybe twice a year, if I’m lucky.

It’s not the most flattering shot of either of us but my parents left behind so few pictures; I want my kids to have lots of happy memories to sort through.

We climbed 217 stairs to the top of the Barnegat lighthouse on a day that was so postcard perfect it was surreal.

It was so bright at high noon that I couldn’t really see what I was photographing; it wasn’t until I was going through the photos later that I realized the beach below had messages laid out in stones. I love that people take the time to do that.

I dyed Jake’s hair teal, which got me in a bit of trouble with Jeff. But it’ll fade away soon enough, as will the rest of his childhood: he turns 18 in November. Is there any better time to take small risks, to indulge in a little whimsy, to have a little fun? He’s got the rest of his life to feel compelled to conform.

Also, he looks so much like a teenage me in this picture; I can’t stand it.

I saved a baby shark. There was no one else around; if I hadn’t been there right at that time I’m not sure it would have survived. First I gently pulled it by the tail to the water, but the waves spit him back out on the beach. So I dropped my phone and my camera, picked him up, held him in my hands under the water and took him out past the waves until he suddenly wriggled loose and swam off.

It was one of the most legitimately thrilling things that has ever happened to me. I can’t overstate how affected I was by the experience.

I went on a date with my husband! We didn’t do anything, really, just got dressed up enough to be presentable and walked around, peering into shop windows, people watching at the amusement park, talking about things we want to do and make and build. It was lovely.

I watched the sun set over the bay. You guys, it goes so much faster then you think it will. It’s so beautiful and it happens every day.

So basically I didn’t do any of the the things I set out to do. I wasted my vacation, and it was glorious.

I spent a lot of time alone doing not much of anything at all, and more time with friends and family doing things that I didn’t record: eating, playing, dancing, and oh so much laughing. Laughing until my abs and cheeks hurt, until I was crying and hiccuping.

I can’t think of a better way to spend 10 days.

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it’s always ourselves we find in the sea

-e.e. Cummings

August 19, 2015
Natural and Organic Skin Care: Baby Mantra
Tell me I’m clever,
Tell me I’m kind,
Tell me I’m talented,
Tell me I’m cute,
Tell me I’m sensitive,
Graceful and wise,
Tell me I’m perfect—
But tell me the truth.

-Shel Silverstein

When Jacob was a baby he was clever, cute, and perfect in every way like babies should be, but he had horrible eczema: you can see the patches on his cheeks in the photo above. They call eczema “the itch that rashes” and “asthma of the skin” and it’s heartbreaking to witness as a parent; he was clearly in distress all the time, scratching, scratching, until the rash had spread and thickened and was scratched raw. He scratched in his sleep, even, writhing around in bed until he scratched himself awake. And then invariably all that open skin would become infected, inflamed and painful, and he’d have to endure a round of antibiotics or steroid cream in addition to his twice a day full-body slathering of lotion.

Let me tell you about the lotion. We were supposed to apply the lotion immediately after a bath or shower to trap the moisture in, and Jake would be off like a shot, having to be tackled and wrestled into acceptance. He’d scream and cry; it was only through trial and error that we learned which soaps and lotions stung, which ones made the itch feel worse. We spent a lot of money on pricey skin care items (and hair care, since that affected his skin too) that made promises about being super-moisturizing or appropriate for sensitive skin, that Jeff or I would up using because Jake couldn’t tolerate them.

Add to all that heartache the fact that your skin is your largest organ, and absorbs whatever chemicals you’re applying to it along with any environmental toxins. I was seriously stressed about the health of Jake’s susceptible skin, in the short term and the long.

(Scratch, scratch, scratch. I wanted to put a photo here of Jake running away from the lotion after a bath; he’s holding a beach ball perfectly positioned as a “modesty patch.” But I resisted. I’m so good at adulting.)

Jacob is older now, but he still has eczema flareups. Part of it is probably inherited from me; I have sensitive skin and break out in itchy, blistering hives from certain products. I’ve found that sticking with natural, organic products hugely— HUGELY— minimizes my own outbreaks and helps Jake with his.

Last week I was sent a line of natural baby skincare products to try from Baby Mantra:

Even though my babies are pretty close to grown now— Jake will be 18 in a few months, and my youngest just turned 11!— I still look for the gentlest products available for our sensitive skin. Just being advertised as “for babies” doesn’t cut it; we stubbornly kept buying conventional baby products in the early years but learned soon enough that they stung terribly and exacerbated the problem when applied to Jake’s irritated skin.

I wish Baby Mantra had been around when Jake was suffering from the worst of his eczema.

All Baby Mantra products are:
- allergy tested
- dye free and toxin free
- gluten free
- cruelty free and vegan
- certified natural by the Natural Products Association, which means ingredients come from or are made from a renewable, biodegradable resource found in nature (flora, fauna, mineral), with absolutely no petroleum compounds
- packaged in recyclable materials
I took the line with me to the beach with the intention of having Jake try it out (to this day, trying new lotions on him is a bit nerve wracking). While I was there I was a little lax about reapplying my sunscreen and, erm, got a little more sun than I intended. It hurt. My daughter got a little more pink than I would like as well.

Baby Mantra offers a natural baby shampoo in addition to its natural baby conditioner,but I opted to pack the 3 in 1 bubble bath, shampoo and wash in case anyone was inclined to take a bath (didn’t happen but I was prepared!). I did pack the detangling conditioner (my hair is a tangled hot mess at the beach, and Cass’s tend to resemble a rat’s nest more than human hair after a day battling waves). And in a move that I would grow to be immensely thankful for, I also threw the calming lotion in my bag.

All three of these products contain lavendar essential oil, which is soothing and has antiseptic properties. They didn’t irritate my burn at all, and the lotion felt like heaven: it’s light and not sticky, very moisturizing thanks to the shea butter, with barely any scent at all. In terms of calming my skin, it felt like it worked just as well as the medicated afterburn lotion I tried once I returned home. Since the medicated stuff carried a warning to use only 2-3 times daily, and not over a wide area, I opted to skip it entirely and go with baby mantra for me and Cass.

The 3 in 1 lathered up nicely and got my sweaty, salty self all clean without drying; the conditioner worked the knots out. They both carry very light scents that basically remind me of “clean baby” and faded quickly (I don’t care for overpowering scents at all).

Although I didn’t put the other Baby Mantra products through the same rigorous testing, from my one use of the newborn shampoo and body wash I can say that it’s not bubble inducing like the 3 in 1 is and therefore easier to rinse clean. The sweet-smelling apricot and avocado massage oil is expectedly more oily/tacky than the lotion; I used this before bedtime for longterm moisturization overnight. We’ll hold onto the diaper rash ointment for my husband; he works in construction and often gets painfully dry, cracked hands and only the heaviest duty creams work for him. It’s made from sweet Almond oil, Rosemary leaf, and Jojoba.

To recap:

Baby Mantra’s earth-friendly range of extremely gentle personal care products for children (newborn to 8 years old) are made with all-natural skincare ingredients. Baby Mantra products have been certified by the Natural Products Association (NPA), are gluten-free, allergy-tested and cruelty-free.

You can find Baby Mantra products across the country at stores like Albertsons, Jewel Osco, Walgreens, Duane Reade and Meijer. We recommend using the store locator on the company’s website to find a store nearest you. In addition, Baby Mantra can be found online on websites such as Amazon.com, Babiesrus.com, Drugstore.com, Walgreens.com and Diapers.com.

Be sure to follow and like Baby Mantra on Facebook for coupons and other offers.

Score a coupon for $2.50 off Baby Mantra here!

Giveaway!

Enter via the Rafflecopter widget below (use as few or as many options as you like) for your chance to win the same 6 Baby Mantra products that I tried:
- 3-in-1 Bubble Bath, Shampoo & Wash
- Calming Lotion
- Newborn Shampoo & Wash
- Diaper Rash Ointment
- Calming Massage Oil
- Detangling Conditioner
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclosure: I received this product for the purpose of this review, however, these are my own opinions and they have not been influenced in any way by Baby Mantra.
July 20, 2015
You’re Living With Your Best Teacher: Parenting with Presence
What really knocks me out is a book that,
when you’re all done reading it,
you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours
and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.

That doesn’t happen much, though.

― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

There’s a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh about washing dishes that’s a bit long to quote here. Basically, he says that if you’re thinking about your tea while you’re washing dishes, we’re missing out on the miracle and the meditative act of dishwashing. We’re living in the future, and odds are we’ll do the same when we get our tea. We’re not spending our time, fully, in our moments, and that’s not living at all.

Don’t do any task in order to get it over with.
Resolve to do each job in a relaxed way, with all your attention.
Enjoy and be one with your work.

―Thich Nhat Hanh,
The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all done this with parenting…
- I just want this meal to be over so I can clean the kitchen and sit down for a minute.
- I want this day to be over so I can sleep, this week to be over so I can enjoy the weekend.
- I can’t wait for my kids to grow out of the teething stage, the whining stage, the “it’s not fair” stage, the rebellious stage.
Guess what? They do grow out of those stages, and then the panic hits because soon they’ll be leaving the nest. My kids are 10, 14 and 17… and while I did try to be really present for them and with them for stretches at a time, I wish I’d done so a lot more. Not let depression, work, and anxiety about money and other things I had little control over get in the way.

Parenting is hard— and I have news, friends: it doesn’t get any easier when they’re older, it’s just hard in a different, and differently fulfilling, way. You begin to get a real hint of what those kids are going to be like as adults; infuriatingly, sometimes frighteningly, they’re a lot like you.

For better or for worse, there is nothing quite like hearing words you remember speaking when you were young being echoed by your teenager. And sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to finally work through the baggage you’ve been carrying since those days. Children make adults of us all.

I was recently sent a copy of Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids. That’s my copy pictured at top; usually, I read books with a notebook and pen, but there were so many things I wanted to be able to refer back to that I started dogearing. (Some pages are dogeared top & bottom because there were nuggets of wisdom on both sides of the page!) It would take me all day to list them all, so here are some I’ve randomly chosen, followed by an excerpt provided by the author.

I’m of the opinion that all self-help books of this kind are beneficial, in that they force you to slow down and really examine what’s gone awry in your life, and make an effort to fix them. Simply looking at what works and what doesn’t does wonders. Within this book is a treasure trove of advice, questions, and methods for improving not only your relationship with your children, but with your past and with the loved adults in your life. It’s more than a parenting primer; it’s a handbook for life. You should really check it out.

As frustrating as it is when our child doesn’t match up to who we would like him to be, we don’t lose our cool because he is annoying or uncooperative. We lose it because we think he shouldn’t be annoying or uncooperative. In other words, our difficulty in being fully present with whatever is going on with our children is fueled by the mismatch between our Snapshot Child—who exists only in our imagination—and the real flesh-and-blood one in front of us.

———-

It is in the challenging moments that we get to move through resistance and strengthen our dedication to parenting with presence. Remember, muscle building cannot take place without tearing down muscle fibers—this is called hypertrophy. These microtears are what it takes to build muscle bulk. We grow ourselves up each time we listen without reacting when our child shares something that fills us with dread, teaching her that she does not have to hide the truth from us.

———-

When most parents are asked what they want most for their children in preparation for their adulthood, they begin by saying, “I just want them to be happy.” And here is where things get interesting. While there are many qualities that we can and should nurture in our children, there is one without which all other attributes become significantly less important: we need to raise our children to know they are inherently worthy of love and happiness so that they will be able to absorb all the good that comes their way.

———-

Enjoying our own company, disengaged from external stimulation, is essential to our happiness. If we fail to help our children lean how to be alone, they will always be lonely. It is only when we can be truly comfortable in our own skin that we can attract and sustain healthy relationships.

———-

It is said that we think about sixty thousand thoughts each day. It is also said that about 80 percent of them are negative. And it is believed that about 95 percent of the thoughts we think today are more or less the same ones that we thought yesterday, the day before, and the day before that. This means if we don’t change our habitual way of thinking, we will be drenched in about forty five thousand negative thoughts each and every day.

You’re Living With Your Best Teacher
An Excerpt from Parenting with Presence by Susan Stiffelman

In India they’re called householder yogis — women and men with an unshakable commitment to their spiritual path who have decided to have a family rather than to live in a cave or an ashram. They choose to grow and evolve through their experiences at home and in the workplace, embracing the challenges of everyday life as the means to their transformation.

Many of us subscribe to the belief that spiritual growth happens as a result of daily meditation, mindfulness retreats, and inspiration from wise luminaries. But one of the greatest teachers you could ever hope to learn from is living right under your roof, even if (especially if) he or she pushes your buttons or challenges your limitations.

In parenting, things get very real, very fast. Figuring out how to cope when your child spills juice on the new sofa or managing your reactions when your kids tease each other nonstop on the long ride to Grandma’s is the equivalent of an advanced course in personal growth. Do you fall apart, or are you able to stay present, deepening your ability to be with “what is,” responding rather than reacting?

True spirituality doesn’t happen in a cave at the top of a mountain. It’s down here, wiping a runny nose, playing yet another round of Candyland, or rocking a colicky baby at two in the morning. The Buddha is crying in the next room. How you handle that is as evolved and as spiritual as it gets.

What is a teacher?

Many of us are charmed by the image of our sons and daughters as divinely appointed teachers who can help us transform our hearts and souls. But while the idea of seeing our child as one of our teachers has a lyrical, enlightened ring to it, there’s a difference between accepting the idea of something and embracing the reality of it.

Our children may indeed catalyze a love within us that we could not have imagined possible. But they can also elicit powerful elements of our shadow selves, calling forth aspects of our nature, such as impatience and intolerance, that leave us ashamed and overwhelmed.

Maintaining equilibrium is key to living in the moment, but nothing tests our ability to stay centered like parenting. Raising kids can be anything but peaceful, with sibling squabbles, homework meltdowns, and arguments over video games all-too-familiar features of the landscape of family life. It’s easy for soulful principles to collide with the realities of day-to-day life with children underfoot. Even the most seasoned meditator or yogini may find herself shouting, threatening, bribing, or punishing, despite having set intentions to remain loving and calm no matter what.

There is a saying, When the student is ready, the teacher appears. I have long found it to be true that when I am ready to expand my horizons intellectually, psychologically, or spiritually, an opportunity presents itself that seems divinely orchestrated to allow me to stretch, grow, and learn. That said, I don’t always want to stretch, grow, and learn! Instead, I may feel as if I’ve been involuntarily enrolled in a class I had no desire to take!

When it comes to parenting, it seems that although we may not have knowingly signed up for the “course” our children offer, we nonetheless find ourselves forced (“invited?” “given the opportunity?”) to profoundly grow, and grow up. In this respect, I believe our children can become our greatest teachers. While we may not deliberately choose to have a baby so that we can heal wounds from our childhood or become a better version of ourselves, in fact, those opportunities — and thousands more — are birthed right along with our children.

Susan Stiffelman, mft is the bestselling author of Parenting with Presence and Parenting without Power Struggles. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a credentialed teacher, and the Huffington Post’s weekly “Parent Coach” advice columnist. She lives in Malibu, California where she is an aspiring banjo player, a determined tap-dancer, and an optimistic gardener. Visit her online at http://www.ParentingwithPresence.com.

Excerpted from the book Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids ©2015 by Susan Stiffelman. Printed with permission of New World Library. www.newworldlibrary.com
May 14, 2015