Category: Everything Else

I am always doing
that which I cannot do,

in order that
I may learn how to do it.

-Pablo Picasso

Eleven years ago today, Jacob was born.

I was 21 years old. The company I worked for had gone bankrupt two months earlier and I had no insurance, no job to go back to. I was now officially a mother, a job that I was totally not qualified for. I had not experienced “parenting” in any sort of traditional sense, in fact had sworn never to be a parent myself lest I fail a child as entirely as I felt I had been failed, and, as a bonus, I had zero experience with babies.

I held my own baby, this tiny, fragile thing, in my arms; and watched the nurses with quiet terror.

Did they know my secret- that there was no way I could be a good mother? How could they not see? How could they possibly release this newborn into my care? I bluffed my way through until it was time to be released from the hospital and then a new fear grabbed hold- how would I manage when I arrived home?

I think back to the girl I was and I can still physically feel the echoes of that fear- so intense that it is forever seared in my consciousness, my nerves scarred for life.

My heart aches when I dwell on the months and years that I second-guessed myself, when I felt that I was the worst mother on earth, when I was afraid that others would discover this about me. I distanced myself from former friends to reduce the odds of discovery. I was certain that I was wrecking my children, that I was not the mother they needed.

I wish I could tell that girl to take it easy, to not worry about what it meant to be the perfect parent, to enjoy the baby years that passed by so quickly.

I wish I could show her what an admirable and remarkably well-adjusted child Jacob has turned out to be: with her slightly twisted sense of humor and love of reading, with his father’s natural athleticism and solidness and capability. A child who likes to experiment and discuss, a child who can be ridiculous and silly and infuriating one moment and a wonderfully supportive big brother the next. A thinker and a dreamer, and with an easygoing confidence with people that he certainly inherited from neither of his parents.

A child to be proud of, and oh, less a child each year.

My son, who led me down a road I didn’t intend to travel, who taught me so much about myself, who both softened my heart and inspired me to be strong. Who restored my faith in my own worth and in the goodness of other people. It is for his sake, for Maverick’s and Cassidy’s sake, for the sake of everyone’s children that I am determined to leave this world better than I find it, in whatever small and big ways that I can.

I think of it as a gift as well as a duty. But don’t worry- I gave him a normal gift too.

Happy birthday, bud.

Get your free Obama sticker (designed by Shepard Fairey) and put it somewhere prominent.

So that everyday, you can be reminded how each individual person contributed towards change, how what you did as an individual made a difference, and be inspired to keep doing your part to bring hope, and motivated to keep going, keep the faith.

Regardless of how you voted, I think this election drove home the power of individuals, coming together to bring about change. Let’s keep that momentum going.

Individual action has collective impact. Do all the good you can today, and everyday.

Pain penetrates me drop by drop.

-Sappho

The greatest discovery of my generation
is that a human being can alter his life
by altering his attitudes.

-William James

Wherever you go,
no matter what the weather,
always bring your own sunshine.

-Anthony J. D’Angelo

It rained.

All day.

Sometimes it was just a fine mist, other times a fairly soaking drizzle. Thankfully, at no point a torrential downpour.

At one point of our lives, this would have meant disaster. The rain would have completely ruined our trip, and we would have trudged dutifully around the city, cursing our chronic bad luck, complaining, complaining, complaining.

Things have changed. We have changed. This time, we shrugged it off, looked for the sunshine, and had a great day in spite of the weather.

Most of the credit can be given to these people, who walked the rain with us.

Recently I came across the Henry Ward Beecher quote “There are persons so radiant, so genial, so kind, so pleasure-bearing, that you instinctively feel in their presence that they do you good, whose coming into a room is like the bringing of a lamp there.”

These are the people I thought of as I copied down those words.

Some truly adventurous souls were ice skating in the rain, and it did my heart good to see them. I mean, seriously. Ice skating in the rain?

Central Park was just as pretty in the inclement weather, but quite a bit harder to photograph. Particularly at 6:00 in the evening.

This was the absolute highlight of my day.

In FAO Schwartz you can design your own Muppet, right down to the fabric, facial structure and wardrobe. I successfully fought off the urge to have one made on the spot- and I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF for doing so, you have no idea how tempted I was- I LOVE MUPPETS. I am thinking that next time I am in New York, perhaps I will be returning with a little friend.

For the kids, the best part was the ferry and subway rides. The simple pleasures of childhood, yes? Other exciting events of note include: a flat tire, and Maverick getting his foot stuck in the elevator (he was rescued before injury, but his sneaker was shredded).

And yet our spirits remained undampened.

Here we are at the end of the day. The rain had finally stopped, and we were waiting for the bus to take us to catch our ferry. Wet, tired, a bit bedraggled, but still smiling.

I didn’t get to take nearly so many pictures as I would have liked, because I was concerned about my camera getting wet. I see this as the perfect excuse for a return trip in the not-so-distant future!

Now. How was your weekend?