After the glorious taste of Spring that we have been treated to, my mood has been sullied by two straight days of cold gray rain that will not be wiped away, but rather smears my windshield, forcing me to view a world that is sticky and without shape. I am as morose and sulky as a spoiled child; who, used to receiving a red lollipop every Friday as a just reward for waiting in line to deposit her father’s paycheck, finds herself before the teller, and the lollipop jar empty.

I am panicky, I do not deal well with depression, I wrap myself with words my father gathered up like autumn corn and stockpiled in his binder silo. I am self-indulgent. I turn to Rilke.

I will be all right tomorrow.

Fears

I am lying in my bed five flights up, and my day, which nothing interrupts, is like a clock-face without hands. As something that is lost for a long time reappears one morning in its old place, safe and sound, almost newer than when it vanished, just as if someone had been taking care of it–; so, here and there on my blanket, lost feelings out of my childhood lie and are like new. All the lost fears are here again.

The fear that a small woolen thread sticking out of the hem of my blanket may be hard, hard and sharp as a steel needle; the fear that this little button on my night-shirt may be bigger than my head, bigger and heavier; the fear that the breadcrumb which just dropped off my bed may turn into glass, and shatter when it hits the floor, and the sickening worry that when it does, everything will be broken, for ever; the fear that the ragged edge of a letter which was torn open may be something forbidden, which no one ought to see, something indescribably precious, for which no place in the room is safe enough; the fear that if I fell asleep I might swallow the piece of coal lying in front of the stove; the fear that some number may begin to grow in my brain until there is no more room for it inside me; the fear that I may be laying on granite, on gray granite; the fear that I may start screaming, and people will come running to my door and finally force it open, the fear that I might betray myself anf tell everything I dread, and the fear that I might not be able to say anything, because everything is unsayable,–and the other fears…the fears.

I prayed to rediscover my childhood, and it has come back, and I feel that it is just as difficult as it used to be, and that growing older has served no purpose at all.

-Rainer Maria Rilke
Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

Oh, wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in’t!
-Mr. William Shakespeare
A Midsummer Night’s Dream

In honor of Earth Day, my top green influences:

It’s Easy Being Green: A Handbook for Earth-Friendly Living by Crissy Trask. Good tips for making changes day-to-day, chock-full of great quotes.

Worldchanging: A User’s Guide for the 21st Century by Alex Steffen. Social and environmental consciousness on a global scale.

Living Like Ed: A Guide to the Eco-Friendly Life by Ed Begley Jr. Huh- Ed Begley Jr. is smart, funny, and worthy of my respect- who knew?

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life by Barbara Kingsolver. Wonderfully written and wholly inspiring, this book totally altered the way I think about food.

Local Flavors: Cooking and Eating from America’s Farmers’ Markets by Deborah Madison and The Art of Simple Food: Notes, Lessons, and Recipes from a Delicious Revolution by Alice Waters. Two cookbooks that help to answer the question: What am I to do, exactly, with all this kale and rainbow chard in my produce box?

Noah’s Garden: Restoring the Ecology of Our Own Backyards by Sara B. Stein. Gives us permission to cultivate a wilderness (i.e. not mow the lawn) and valuable information to back it up.

Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv. Made me consider the role nature plays in our lives, as children and as adults; how that fits in with my ideas of spirituality and social responsibility. Also touches on the importance of real freedom in children’s lives. I think this is one of my favorite books, ever.

Organic Housekeeping: In Which the Non-Toxic Avenger Shows You How to Improve Your Health and That of Your Family, While You Save Time, Money, and, Perhaps, Your Sanity by Ellen Sandbeck helped me to overcome my chronic germophobia, and save big bucks developing my own homemade cleansers.

Slice of Organic Life , multiple contributors. Maverick loves this book too, particularly the sections specific to poultry-raising. Ways to maintain an organic lifestyle even if your closest connection to nature is your kitchen window. Again, more of a “for beginners” book, but with such pretty pictures that it is totally worth your time.

365 Ways to Save the Earth by Philippe Bourseiller has 365 of the best nature photos ever. You can’t help but yearn to save an earth so beautiful.

Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers’ Schemes by Sharon Lamb and Buy, Buy Baby: How Consumer Culture Manipulates Parents and Harms Young Minds by Susan Gregory Thomas got me good and mad about the ways marketers use to control my children. Now I’ve completely rethought what it means to shop and what my dollar supports.

Walden: 150th Anniversary Illustrated Edition of the American Classic makes me want to build my own house with my own two hands. The incredible photography inspired me to photograph my own Walden, our little patch of wilderness, with hopes of inspiring someone else in turn.

Finally, the book and movie that spurred me into action:

An Inconvenient Truth: The Planetary Emergency of Global Warming and What We Can Do About It by our friend Al Gore. Al reminded me that it’s OK to be passionate about something, and that considering the environmental implications of my actions does not automatically mean that I have regressed to my 16-year-old self, wearing peasant skirts, smoking cloves, writing letters on behalf of PETA and sporting a Greenpeace sticker on my bookbag.

(No, I totally quit smoking forever ago. This time around, we’re all about Heifer International and Defenders of Wildlife. And really, is it my fault peasant skirts are back?)